FATHER VACANCY
I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl,
aged 4 and 2 respectively. Most times
they get along fine, but sometimes for some reasons they get tired of
cooperative play and descend into rivalry. Their cooperative play is always to
mine and the family’s advantage at large for it gets me and my wife less
distracted and we can go about the business of moving the family forward. But
this doesn’t always happen this way; my kids descend into toy tussle. Most
times it’s the fact that somebody wants to hold unto his/her toy while the
other wants to ‘intrude’, and before I know it I have to interfere and play the
judge.
It is not always a mathematical judgement,
for often behind the toy tussle lays a power struggle between my kids and I
have to make out time to listen to ‘trifling’ accusations and defences in order
to avoid hasty and biased decisions. It requires much introspection,
sensitivity and listenability on my part before deciding on whether to counsel
sharing or to affirm the legibility of the other’s claim to the toy. My boy is
stronger , but my girl is more stubborn such that when she gets smacked by him,
she would simply not be cowed and screams louder, and the louder the noise the
more I would be pressured to get involved.
The temptation is to be hasty and
counsel an ‘ephemeral’ resolution so that I can just return to my business rather
than listen to trifling about toys, but I see in these scuffles an opportunity
to teach. What costs me more – and that which I sometimes do- is when I would
have to take sides and reprimand the other about his/her lack of sensivity. That
breeds a mind game of supremacy and power for anyone of them that I seem to
have favoured. He/she feels empowered and rejoices secretly in the euphoria of
Daddy being on his/her side, and would want to capitalise on this power by
making a second attack on the other. I often watch out for this and when it
happens, I quickly interject and make the other also feel better by reprimanding
the latter, so it becomes a sort of ‘goalless draw’. But the harder task is
when this power capitalisation from either party does not happen anytime soon, another
strategy to return to balance requiring my own mind work begins.
My strategy and mind work is
borne of the necessity to return the relationship to balance and prove to them
that neither have a greater claim to me than the other, but this needs timing
and articulation, otherwise the lesson would not sink in enough on the
reprimanded party. The efficacy of some work is dependent on time, and time
sometimes can be a pain.
I know most fathers share my
experience. Cooperative play between my kids is best time for the family, for
it allows Dad and Mum to focus on moving the family forward, but without these
minor tussles, or if one is hasty about their resolution, one can lose the opportunity
to teach and for the children to learn about the ultimate meaning of life, about
compassion, about sharing about unity and friendship.
Why have I brought about this scenario?
Considering the Nigerian situation, I see a deep fatherhood vacuum and the
possibility of this vacuum lingering. What is tasking but urgently necessary is
the necessity of finding a rallying figure for the nation, one that has a
broadened heart transcending tribal, religious, class and political tussles who
is capable and willing to do the work that justice, judgement and reconciliation
requires. Most people in our nation
still remain deeply embroidered in this human ‘versus’ game.
Man is made for war, a father is
meant to fight the external and balance the internal. Yes , our whole task in
this plane of reality, if it would result in any beneficial effect , is to battle and
consolidate. But great and many are those whose energy , whether physical or
spiritual, is still geared like Cain, towards battling against fellow humans,
and using as pedestal the so called tribal , religious, racial, political and
class pedestal to perpetuate their
claims of supremacy,, for they are at a loss what to battle otherwise.
In this reality of war, we seem
to have lost focus on what to rally round and battle against, that is why, as a
nation, the only time we seem to come together to make a positive unified war
is when the national football team is playing against another nation. Ingenuity is needed to continue the earthly
battle and its consolidation, such that have been created by the great champions of humanity in battling the necessary
war against inequality, hunger , mediocrity and sickness. Not against fellow
humans. That is the real battle!
Humanity by nature would prefer a
rallying figure as father, what we all hate is lack of integrity and trust. Why
would Boko Haram still lay claim to the vision of Usman Dan Fodio as a
motivation for their struggle? Why would many in the East like to perpetuate
the cause of Ojukwu’s Biafra? Why do many in the West still bask and reminiscence
over tribal supremacy perpetuated by Awolowo? Because there is yet lacking a Genius
to carve out a new cause to unify the entity called Nigeria. Nobody is yet capable
of taking and building up on what these great men have created. We still perambulate
upon their ingenuity while refusing to move forward. We perpetuate the causes of
these heroes which were relevant in their ages and in the name of religious, tribal
and political supremacy, we refuse to move on. We have no vision to carve a new
notch and broaden our minds out of the scope laid down by our forefathers; we
are all busily distracted by money, sex and power. There is no strong vision,
how then can there be any mission? It is not about forgetting the past, it is
about moving forward to the future.
I experienced this national fatherhood
vocation budding in some individuals long prior to the 2015 election. But, one
by one, I have seen great men come down and delved into political partisanship,
be it in gestures, words or actions, because of a lingering mediocrity that
reigned within the political Responsible in the land. Though necessary, but
such places are not fitted for the real fatherhood to which they belong. I
believe the situation was so bad such that, as I would unwillingly ‘take sides’
between my kids, these potential National fathers had needed to dabble into
these partisanship to save the nation, but this means, there would not come
anytime soon for there to be a real Nigerian father, and the meaning of this is
that, struggle would continue, because there is as yet, no adequate fatherly Judge
who would any time win the respect of the mases. Some things require time, but sometimes
time can be a pain. I pray that these men return back unto their lofty roles
quickly and not get entangled into the ephemerality of money and power. There
is an urgent vacancy for fatherhood in Nigeria, and there is little possibility
of it being filled anytime soon, because so few have got the criteria, skill
and ability required. Have you?
Wishing you all a happy Father’s
Day!
